theres this thing with me, it's this void that randomly pops up within my soul, in a sense. maybe it's old memories trying so desperately to resurface, those memories I try to repress for my own sanity. they try so desperately to enter my psyche, and when they do, they don't leave me alone, no matter what I try to distract myself with. those old conversations where i said something embarrasing, those moments where i did something wrong, those memories all want to resurface and torment me.

it feels as if all of those thoughts and feeling want to chase me to my wit's end. no matter what i try to keep my mind away from them, they hop in front of whatever i'm trying to focus on like a bad photo bomb. they come randomly, sticking to my mind like a clingy baby, not letting go no matter how hard i pull. it feels like they resurface whenever i'm feeling relatively happy, or a voice of judgement comes and chastices me for whatever joy I feel.

i hate it, i hate all of this! i just want to be able to feel some form of happiness without some voice in my own head telling me about every little mistake i'm actively making at that time, no matter how minisucle it is, it still points it out. it's my own mind knawing at its own arm, no matter how much pain its in, it still fucking does it.

i'm tired. i'm tired of my own brain causing my psyche misery. it fucking sucks. i hate it, i hate all of that. i want to allow myself to be happy for once, but i don't. every little mistake is overblown to the size of mount everest, when i just want to have a break from all of that bullshit in my brain.

i haven't resorted to anything extreme for a distraction from all that. i'm too tired to do that, and i don't need anyone worrying about me. that would just be a weight on them that i dont want to be at fault for. i don't want to be a burden for anyone, that would just be more crushing weight on them. i don't want anyone worrying themself sick about me, especially some random internet stranger reading this like you...

so please, don't worry about my sorry ass.